Jason came to me this afternoon with tears in his eyes.  Now this is my son who hardly ever cries.  He gets upset, he will cry in anger.  Mostly though, not the deep quiet emotional cry.

He wanted to know what happens when you die.  I explained that we go to heaven when we die.  He wanted to know if you come back to earth once you die and I said no.  Once you go to heaven you stay there with Jesus.  I was assuming at this stage that he was talking about older people dying.  I was talking to him with that mind set.  Trying to put his mind at ease about people dying and going to heaven.  He wanted to know when people die.  If it happens when they are old.  I explained that Jesus decides when we will die.  When he wants us to join him.

He then said these words that makes any parent's heart stop for a while "Mommy, I don't want to die.  I don't want to go to heaven.  I'm scared of going to heaven.  I won't like it in heaven.  I'll be all alone."

I sat with him on my lap.  I told him that he won't be alone if he went to heaven.   That we will all see each other there.  He kept on asking me what is in heaven...will he be able to talk.  Will he be able to walk.  All this while crying, sobbing. He told me that going to sleep is the same as dying.   I explained that it is not but I'm sure this will lie heavily on his heart the next few nights when he goes to sleep.

Man it was hard.  Just even thinking of losing one of my kids makes my blood run cold.  Literally.  Dear Lord may that never happen to me.  May my boys all have a long and healthy life.  May I be around at least until they are old enough to work through grieve and understand.

Today has been hard.  On my little scared boy and me.

I have two sick boys at home this morning.  Tommie took Quintus to the golf course with him, while I have Zander and Jason home.  Zander woke up with a nose that looks pretty much like a tap filled with - well you know.  Poor kid is not happy.  Nursing is not easy and he can't suck on his dummy (pacifier), so he is not happy.

Jason at least doesn't have a fever but he is still complaing of a headache.  He is passed out on the couch.   He hasn't eaten for the past 3 days.  Only thing he will have is Milo.  So I'm giving him lots of it.

With the sickies I have missed out on my Wimpy breakfast this morning!!  I'd much rather have my boys healthy though.

Here's two pics of my youngest, enjoying his own company.

My poor computer has needed to be laid to rest for a while now.  I kept holding on though, not allowing him to blow out it's last breath (or make it's last start-up)  You can ask the Wench about the colour on my screen.  She was filled with fear when she saw what she looks like through my computer screen.  The errors that I get on a daily basis would make any IT tech run.

I fear new computers lol  It's not that I don't want a new computer.  It's just that I fear everything I'll lose.  The time it will take me to set everything up again.  Yes, very much unlike the Gemini I am. 

However, my FIL has been promising me a laptop for while.  See I could really use one for work.  I will then be able to take work home.  Not having to feel as though I'm constantly drowning in my work. If I can only work an hour at night and a few over the weekend, it could already help me with my work load.

Well, today he came through on his promise and I am now the proud owner of a laptop (notebook the Americans call it?)  It didn't take at all as long as I thought it would to set it all up.  Although there were few moments of stress. 

While setting up my programs were no problem, I battled to set up my internet.  The room went quiet.  Everyone breathed more slowly and then...there...the green light came up and all was well in the de Bruyn household again.!!!

Of course having this laptop would mean that I actually have to work at home lol  I can't use that as an excuse anymore!

• We spent our morning at rugby again.  Quintus' team won all their games again.  They are really just brilliant.  They all play with such conviction.  Such heart.
• Jason was so sick last night. He had a fever of 40.6 degrees (105.08 degree Fahrenheit)  I managed to bring it down, without having to rush off to hospital.
• I had him at the doctor yesterday, who said that it is most probably sinusitis.  He is still complaining of headache.  He thankfully doesn't have a stiff neck (which I check for regularly)
• Tommie has wanted a fax/printer/scanner thing for our home for a while.  He also bought one of those today. 
• Oh and I can finally say goodbye to Windows 98 that I've been using at home!
• My desk now looks like a computer shop - what with my old computer, notebook and printer.  Plus all the other paraphernalia that goes with a new computer.
• Tommie has set up the play station on a separate TV.  The boys are now playing playstation right here by me, while he can still watch TV.  Like I said, all is well in the de Bruyn household.
• Also Jason can now play his paint game on my old computer.  Mmm...yip...all is indeed well in the de Bruyn household.

Again this week has just flown by in a flash.  It's June.  June people.  I'm sure it was like March just yesterday!  Before I know it Zander will be walking around. 

Here's my long promised photo of my Mother's rings.  For those who do not know.  It's a ring for each child with his birthstone.  Also engraved on each ring is the name and date of birth.  I really like it.

The picture is not too clear, however if you really look closely you'll notice that Jason's ring is in the middle.  (Okay, just trust me - the middle ring is his)  Right.  He is my middle child after all.  I've been thinking about the whole middle child thing lately.

Quintus is getting a lot of attention.  We support him every Saturday next to the rugby field.  We go to his rugby practises every Tuesday and Thursday.  He gets lots of attention with his karate.  He is in "big" school.  Getting friends over for visits.  Going out to friends homes. 

Zander is getting a lot of attention just because he is Zander.  The baby.  He needs it.  Anyway he is so darn cute that he would get the attention even if it wasn't essential to his well-being.

Then there is my middle child.  My baby boy.  He doesnt like sports.  He has no boy friends (there are only three boys in his preschool and they are older than him.)  He doesn't go to play at friends home.  He doesn't have a hobby that he really likes.  He doesn't demand attention.  It's so easy for him to just fall between the cracks. 

I will however fight to fill up the cracks.  To make sure he knows that he is just as much loved as his other brothers.  That he is just as much needed to complete the love in my heart. That he will always be my baby boy even though he now has a baby brother.

Having three boys are loads of fun.   Sharing your love and attention equally (especially when they are so young) is a day to day job.  May my boys never feel that one child is more loved than the other.

Yes, my eldest is now the proud owner of a yellow belt in karate.  As I was looking at him last night (and as my dad commented this morning) I noticed just how seriously he takes things he participates in.  He puts his all into it.  He expects himself to do well at all costs.  I think he puts loads of pressure on himself. I'm extremely proud of him though.  I've uploaded his photos here. 

• I took Zander for his 14 week injections this morning (Yes, I know he is almost 20 weeks lol) and he did just fine.  Only moaned a little bit with the third one.  What a big boy.  I still felt horrible taking him.
• Today is my mom's birthday.  We are going out for lunch after I pick the boys up from school.
• Our computers are giving us loads of trouble at work.  So much so that I can't really complete anything and that is seriously ticking me off.
• I forgot Jason's school bag at home this morning.  So after dropping it off, I had to rush back home to get it.
• I hope my darn husband is in a better mood this afternoon.
• I do understand though.  The guys he did contract work for (our lovely government) owes him lots of money.  This should have been paid weeks ago. 
• This of course messes up our cash flow a lot.

May you all have a marvelous, fantastic, joy-filled, wonderful and absolutely amazing Thursday.