Where do I start?  I've always wanted to have a diary, but never got around to keeping one.  Thanks to some of my friends updating their's regularly, I'm more motivated to keep one now.

I've had a pretty busy week so far.  I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and not able to give 100 % in any place.  I can't wait until it is calmer at work again, and I can be more the devoted mom that I prefer to be.  I can't have the boys at work in the afternoon (even though my mom takes care of them) and still put in a full days work.  That's what it feels like anyway.

Things are thankfully still better between me and Tommie. He hasn't gone out drinking once, he has been trying so hard to give me more attention, help me out with the boys and change his attitude towards discipline.

I've decided that the boys need set bedtime routines.  Also that Quintus is old enough to sleep in his own bed now.  We go to his room at 8 pm, while he falls asleep I rock Jason.  It takes Jason a long time to fall asleep, but that is mostly because he is used to going to sleep long after 9 pm. Hopefully now he will sleep less during the day, as he'll get more sleep at night.

We are contemplating immigrating.  WHAT a huge decision to make. I've decided though to just put it on hold, till I have finished off my most urgent work.  This way I'll have time to actually do some research and send out my CV.

I came home from a kids birthday party and told Tommie that I wanted out.  That I've had enough.  I can't go on like this.  I can't let my kids go around thinking THIS, the life I'm living now, is right.  He cried and begged me for just ONE more chance.  Promised me that he would not mess up this chance.  That we will work on the marriage.  I understand his need to go out and asked him that if he wants to go out, it has to be with me.  That we can get someone to take the kids for a night once every two weeks, and then we can go out together.  Am I making the right decision?  I really don't know.  There are no guarantees in life.

I asked Tommie yesterday if he could come fetch Quintus when he is finished at work.  He finishes before me on a Friday and Quintus seemed bored.  When I got home, they weren't here.  I phoned him and he was at Johan's - in his bar!!  (he says it's not a bar, as it is behind Johan's office and there is grass where Quintus played)  When he got home, I could smell that he had been drinking.  I was livid.  I told him that I would leave him immediately, if I had anywhere to go.

I bathed the kids and he told me that he is going out.  He went drinking with his friends again.  Didn't even try to work things out between us....just went drinking.

Sarah is getting married!!!!  I'm so very happy for her!  It is wonderful that she found happiness again.  This could have been me.  We left our husbands at the same time last year.  I went back to Tommie, and she didn't.  I often wonder if I made the right decision.  He hurts me so much.  Again and again and he doesn't even know it.  He never even asked me back.  Never worried about where the boys and I will stay.  Did I make the right decision?  Are things better now?  Don't I deserve more?

Just as things start going better.  Tommie went out drinking last night.  I'm in so much pain - the blood is pouring out of my ear, but he goes out drinking.  What I hate the most is when he asks me if he can go. I'm NOT his mother!!  I'm not his conscience.  HE shouldn't want to go.  He should want to be home to help me!