Like I promised I took some photos today. I found it very relaxing :)  I should do that more often.  Only thing is that I took all the photos out of my car and some even while the car was moving, so the quality is not great on all of them.

It also shows a town a sad view of our and country I suppose.  Don't go the slide show route, as I posted explanations with each photo.

My town through my camera

You know, there is just something about doing exercise.  Yesterday afternoon, after writing my post, I decided come hell or high water I will go jogging.  I put on my earphones, put the music on nice loud and just jogged.  It was awesome.  I told Tommie that they are more than welcome to walk as well but I'm jogging alone.  No kids.  I felt a million times better by the time we got home.  

Today I'm going to do scrapbooking (after reading my favourite blogs lol) and maybe even take a drive through town to do some photography.  I feel like photographing our town....the people in our town.  To give my overseas friends and idea of what my town looks like.  We'll see.

Oh and I don't plan on getting dressed until Tommie is home and he can take Zander.  I want to take a LONG relaxing bath.

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I got this from Wenchy - let's complete her questions:

• What is your favourite word:  Angel (I use it often when I address on of my guys)
• What is your least favourite word:  Hate (I think it is used way too easily.  Much to strong a word to just be flung around)
• What turns you on:  Understanding.  A deep loving hug.  Good kisses.
• What turns you off:  Being rude to the kids (lol)  Switching the TV over to golf when I'm watching something else in the room.  Smoking.  (how long may this list be?)
• What is your favourite curse word:  Shit and then fok (Afrikaans for fuck)
• What noise do you love:  My kids laughing.  The sound Zander makes when he nurses.  Jay's snores
• What noise to you hate:  Children screaming - loudly.  Phone ringing (except when it is my cellphone as my ringing tone is Zander's chatter)  Dogs barking.
• What profession other than your own would you like to attempt:  Owning my own coffee shop / bookstore.  Occupational therapist.  Photographer.
• What profession would you not like to do:  My own?  Auditor.  Lawyer.  Basically any job where I have to work with paper lol
• If Heaven exists what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates:  I told you I'd wait till you were ready

Isn't it funny that sometimes, even when nothing is wrong, it feels as though everything is wrong?  That's how I'm feeling.  I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there.  (Okay, I'd much rather lie on the beach and do nothing but then it sounds as though I'm feeling okay and want a holiday)

I don't really have reason to feel this way.  I do though.  Let's work through this rationally.  My dad has always said to make lists.  The good and the bad.  Let's start with the bad:

• My work.  I wake up feeling overwhelmed with anxiety when I think of going to work.  I don't' enjoy my job.  Not one bit.  I should never have studied in this direction.  And boy did I study.  When I think of all the hours I put in (waking up at 5 am every single morning.  Studying after work every single day), all the fun I missed out on, it makes me even sadder.
• I studied to be an accountant.  Not a tax consultant.  Even though I'm bloody good as a tax consultant for individuals, I'm not so sure about companies.  I'm a darn perfectionist when it comes to my work and I want to know that I'm bloody good at what I do. 
• I'm not the perfect mom.  There I said it.  I'm not perfect.  Why do I feel like I have to be?  Why do I hit myself with that guilt stick every time I'm not 100 % perfect?
• I keep on pushing Tommie away when he wants to pull me closer.  This is not just physically.  I'm not fair to him and the more I'm not, the more I battle to be.
• It stresses me out that Tommie and I aren't earning enough.  Don't get me wrong, we are doing great but I could earn more.  Lots more. 
• I'm irritated because I haven't been able to go jogging in over a week.  Life just happens you know?  I detest starting something and not seeing it through.
• It ticks me off that Tommie is forever playing golf (especially when he plays on Wednesdays)  Why is he not just earning more money?
• Ticks me off more that he is playing golf tomorrow - Women's Day - public holiday.  Not spoiling me.  Not spending the day with me.
• I irritate myself endlessly that it feels as though I should ask Tommie stuff before I do them.  And don't get me wrong, he so doesn't expect it.  It's me.  The independent woman me.  What's up with that?!  Bloody hell.

The good:

• I get to work flexi hours.  I do stuff with my kids that I would never be able to when I worked for someone else.  Like Friday I'm going out on an outing with Jason.  I'm going to start Mothers and Miracle classes with Zander next month.  I get to take them where ever, when ever.
• I have three amazing little boys.  Even though they don't always get along, they do too.  They can be the best of friends and the worst of enemies.  They give me endless pleasure.  Make me laugh a zillion times a day.
• I have a husband who totally adores me.  Who thinks I'm the reason the world was created.  Who tells me every single day how sexy I am. How much he loves me.
• We have a great life.  We get to go on holiday.  Get to go away weekends.  Get to ride a nice car, live in a nice home.  We do have enough - mostly.
• We are all healthy.  All of us.  We have each other and really no worries.

See, I really have no reason for feeling so blah.  Ignore my pity party.  I'll be my old self tomorrow.

That is how I'm feeling.  Just blah.  I was planning on this long post but nah...don't feel like it any more.

I have just finished reading a fellow South African blogger's book.  So Close by Tertia Albertyn.  It's all about her journey from socialite to going through nine IVF treatments before reaching her non-stoppable dream of becoming a mother.  What an inspiration she is.  She was willing to do anything to become a mom.  She faced pain, heartache, alienating friends and family, all to realize her dream of becoming a mother.  Why should being a mom be a dream?  Isn't it just a given.? Shouldn't we all just be able to be moms?  Just like that?

Tertia realized that sometimes it doesn't just happen.  That other people mostly don't understand what you are going through when you are battling with infertility.  That is where this book is such a great help.  My word did it ever open my eyes.  It gave me a glimpse of what she and other infertile couples have to do through.  I couldn't possibly say that I actually know what she went through.  I couldn't' even begin to imagine.  Through her writing though, I could feel her pain.  Her raw emotion. 

I cried all day long.  So much so that I had to put the book down.  I couldn't control the sobs anymore and couldn't see the words anymore.  I have two acquaintances who have gone through IVF's.  I now for the first time have an inkling of an idea of what they have been through.

Tertia & Marco.  You guys are such an inspiration.  Your relentless want for a child is admirable.  Keeping on when others might have given up.  Tertia, pulling yourself up time and time again, to keep on fighting for your dream.  It's just amazing.  Luke, Hannah and Ben knows how much they are loved.  I know that Ben felt your love when you held him so tight, yet so gently.  What a brave little fighter, very much like his mother.

Adam and Kate - you guys are so much wanted.  So much loved.  What your parents went through to have you, is proof of how much they wanted you.  I know that you are all and more than they ever wanted. 

I know the book is not yet available in other countries. I will be more than willing to ship a copy of to you if you want to read her book though.  Just let me know.

Tertia, thank you for writing this book.  For allowing people like me to have a better understanding of what infertile couples go through.